The Hazel Project

I’m pretty sure time is speeding up.

Although I have zero empirical evidence of this, when I ask people younger than myself,

the reply is, ‘Absolutely yes! Time is definitely speeding up.’

Thinking back, I know of one person who told me, ‘no, man time is time and can’t speed up.’

My own take on time seemingly speeding up is that the flow of information has become much faster and the amount of information has become a daily deluge that we manage sift and mirco-parse our attention to the interesting bits.

Information moves so fast in 2015, writing this little blog, the first one in over 5 years, feels like I’m engaging in a lost ancient activity!

The reason I even started hazel project was by the suggestion of my friend Bones; as I was dealing with a dark time of my life between 2005

and 2008 and found catharsis in writing.

Now, our current technology suggests writing a little blog is archaic because it requires too much reading. But I’ll leave this as it is; nestled far far

down in the google search hierarchy. Something I can revisit like finding a journal in an attic.

Be Kind,

Stephen A Thomas

Today my girlfriend and I went to Staples so she could buy a shredder. I was there to schlep the unit to the car and up to her apartment.

She picked a good one. 10 pages at a time, cross cut all at a mere 70 db. It works for 6 minutes straight then shuts off for an hour to re-calibrate or rest.

I stuck around to work on a computer project I’m doing with my friend Memphis, and the day culminated with a movie downloaded onto apple tv. a very cool little unit that at first I failed to see the point; but its one of those things you have to use it a few times before you decide that it really is a great idea. So we downloaded “Funny Face” because I was interested in seeing the interpretive dance to beatnik jazz scene.

Today was Purim (see the story of Esther) and last night we met up with some friends at a nearby synagogue where the requirement for the celebration was to wear pajamas.
So there I was in my Atari pajama pants and a kipah, listening to the book of Esther being sung in Hebrew… really fast. Overall it was a very joyful time even though I understood very little of it.

All in all it was a really wonderful day made up of very simple little gestures.

more in March

Well it happened again.

Andy Dick got arrested for making trouble at a nightclub. I’ve been stopped several times and asked if I was Andy Dick.

It bothered me so much I immediately went to Natalie my hairstylist and said, ‘Let’s do something different here, you may do ANYTHING, to make it so I keep from being stopped and asked if I’m Andy Dick.

So now I have a faux hawk haircut.

It is short, simple, and people now say, “Hey you look familiar.”

Thanks Natalie,

the end.

Be Well,

Stephen

Hello Everyone.

Happy Valentine’s/ President’s/ All my fellow Aquarian being born/ -Days. There’s a lot of them.
I wanted to share this with everyone during this long weekend surrounding February 14th.

It resonates with me on a profound level. Particularly because of how I found this book one evening scanning Timmo’s bookshelf. It’s a book called, ‘Dancing With The Beloved,’ By Paul Ferrini. It’s a book I’ve seen a thousand times but for some reason jumped off the shelf into my hands this particular evening in early January.

‘Bleepers’ understand how these things happen!

It just so happened a new friend of mine, that I hardly knew, had shared some very personal information with me and in turn I wanted reciprocate. Instead of doing this in a light-hearted way, because admittedly, my intention was unclear; I sent off a rather heavy email involving metaphysics and my own views of how relationships and friendships should work.

Hardly subject matter for e-mail but it was the only medium that presented itself so I pressed ‘Send,’ and regretted it immediately.
As soon as I read back over what I had sent, I realized that it was the first time I had tired to articulate those things. I had sent off the equivalent of Metaphysical Jello. I needed more clarification, do a lot more reading, thinking and writing about these ideas before sending off ’stream of consciousness’ through the ether.

Humbled and embarrassed, I read over my email and asked myself;

“Where did this stuff even come from?”

“What brought these ideas on?”

That very night I found this book by Paul Ferrini. I picked it up and it fell on this page and I was awestruck. I had to sit down. Tim asked me what was the matter and all I could do is point and utter non-sense.

This guy, Paul Ferrini had figured it out. What I was trying so desperately to understand and come to grips with, he had articulated beautifully, and at the same time, was calling me out on. I realized how much I had been holding back from everyone. Friends, family, potential relationships, and potential friendship, even my own work. It all pointed to metric barge loads of fear and self-sabotage.

It broke my heart into ten thousand pieces.

So now the day of, ‘All lovers are in negative territory, so buy stuff or suffer,’ has past.

I wanted to share something that has a little more depth and when practiced with courage, I believe, could reshape and heal how we (humans) interact with one another; particularly with our significant others.

May you all have peace and be at ease for the remainder of this long weekend. And that you can find the space to create with someone else, whether it be a lover or a friend, something larger than what you’ve brought to the table by yourself. And do it without fear. My 2 cents is we have enough fear.
a small addition 2-16-09

Regarding FEAR.
Knowing I just missed the point of Paul Ferrini because Fear is so ingrained in our day to day lives and how we interact with each other. Paul Ferrini suggests there’s a way to hold that fear in a place that’s compassionate. It is acknowledging that fear exists but we can learn to hold it and let it be, instead of acting on it. It is a feeling and projection. We make it up, therefore we can move beyond it.
Be Well,

Stephen

THE HEROIC JOURNEY  -Paul Ferrini

We all want to merge into something greater than ourselves. That is the fiat of love.

We aspire to go beyond ourselves, to overcome our separateness. But in order to do so, we must give up the ways in which we hold each other back. We must give up the very boundaries that we have always looked for self definition.

An insecure person cannot do this. S/he needs those boundaries to feel safe.

Love isn’t something that happens when we are fearful or insecure. Because love means taking a risk. It means reaching out with the possibility that we will be denied or rejected. It means crossing over our safe zone and becoming vulnerable.

The Movement of love offers a new engagement with life, a new possibility for growth and transformation.

Love puts us right out on a limb. It is exciting. We see things we have never seen before. But it is scary too.

Love is the movement from the core of self to the periphery. Love expands our sense of self to include others.

When we love, we become bigger. Our little soap opera reaches epic proportions.

As lover, we become a mythic figure: not just man or woman, but god or goddess. Love helps us step into our divinity.

When we love, all this great energy stands behind us supporting and encouraging us, pushing us forward.

How, in the midst of this great energetic phenomenon, does fear manage to get a foothold? How is it able to twist and turn the natural spontaneity and expressive of love inward, making the creative neurotic and self-absorbed?

Of course the great fear of the lover is his love will not be requited. He will not be loved back as much as he loves. Indeed, his love may be spurned!

If we are afraid of failure, rejection or looking foolish, we cannot love. That is because love is, after all, completely foolish.

Anyone who has been struck by cupid’s arrow will attest to the fact that foolishness is  the mark of love.

The question is not “what would love do?’
The question is “what would love not do?”

Love will not hold back. It will completely embarrass and compromise itself in its need to make itself known.

Where is the lover who is restrained in his expression of love? You won’t find him.

Love may know excess, but it does not know restraint.
The one who loves must be willing to play the fool.
He must be willing to embarrass himself. He must be willing to make mistakes. He must be willing to love even though there is no guarantee he will be loved back.

If he is not willing, fear will turn his energy back. He will seek safety and guarantees. He will contract.

His chance to become greater than himself will cease to be. His opportunity to become heroic will pass.

For what love can do, fear can undo.

There is no way around it.

Though fear is powerless in the face of love, love’s power cannot be experienced as long as we listen to our fears.

Fear says “no.” Love says “yes.”

Fear says, “It can be done only this way.” Love says, “It can be done any way it needs to be done.”

All life is a poem about separation and joining. Fear separates. Love unites.

We aren’t going too make fear go away. It’s part of the dualistic fabric of life.

We just need to learn how to hold it. When we can hold our fear in a loving way, it no longer has the power to undermine us.

Fears come up, but we don’t assume that our fears are true. Nor do we try to make them go away. We just allow them to be held spaciously in consciousness.

When we hold our fears lovingly, there can be no neurotic knee jerk reactions. We don’t have to abandon our lovers at the first sign of difficulty.

We can acknowledge our fears without embellishing them or falsely empowering them. That way we never give them the power to turn our love back on itself.

When our fears have been acknowledged, the space in consciousness opens up again. We stop being contracted.

We just let things be. And in this open space, love is rediscovered.

We don’t have to try and turn fear around. We don’t have to try to make fear go away.

Fear does not have to be opposed. It needs to be held compassionately.

Fear only holds us back if we let it: if we believe it at face value, or if we are afraid of it and try to push it away. But if we meet our fear compassionately, it is no problem.

It is like the wind picking up before a storm and dying down after it. It comes and goes.

In a life of love, there is room for fear to come and go. And whether coming or going, it does not stop the lover from loving or the beloved from receiving love.

Those who cannot love or receive love because of their fears need to stop listening to their fears.

It’s that simple.

They can justify those fears, put them up on a alter and worship them, but they will just be taking themselves further and further from the Source of Love

Only when they start loving in spite of their fears will they turn the page on an old story and open to a new one free of the pain of the past.

- From, “Dancing With The Beloved” by Paul Ferrrini

ISBN 1-879159-47-3

Lumen

well,

The dust of conversations, edges and synchronicity is finally starting to settle. A strange turn of events have taken place since October 31st of 2008. These have been so personal and expansive the only way to address any of it is to pick up where I left off.

Traffic school was completed by listening to a former comic make jokes about why we all got tickets; and the ever growing, and changing traffic code books of which he takes pleasure reading.

It took 8 hours but he passed all of us and thankfully my insurance was unaffected. I wish at this point I could say my friend Lisa was as lucky.  While she was in class she texted me, “I’m in Hell.”

A few days later her car was totaled at LAX so all was for naught.

So positive vibes to you my friends. Stop at all the yellow lights.

Be Well

Stephen

L.A. Traffic is a sport. It is a constant source of conversation, inspiration for movies (Crash), (Koyaanisqatsi), a great ice breaker at parties and fallback excuse for everything under the sun. Traffic is to L.A. as dirt is to a farm. People ask me how I deal with it, and the answer is that I’m lucky that I go to work opposite heavy traffic everyday. I work in the suburbs, so while everyone is leaving to come to West Hollywood, or Santa Monica (shudder) or Downtown, I’m headed the opposite direction. Plus there are lots of things to do in the car on my 45 minute trip to Valencia everyday.

Sometimes I make phone calls, I listen to music, I think I might try to pass BMW’s in my VW – (I back down knowing I’d get smoked every time). Sometimes I listen to books on tape. There was an interesting book about personal financial growth at work so I decided I’d give it a try. Being a Dave Ramsey fan – to a degree – I wanted to see if this audio book by Suze Orman was contradictory to anything he said. The more I listened the more it made sense. I wondered if I’d be able to get past the Chicagoan accent, and eventually I did

One day I arrived in Valencia early and decided to stop by Trader Joe’s for some energy bars, and orange juice. On my way I’m engrossed in this Suze Orman book on tape, she’s telling stories, I’m laughing out loud and nodding my head. I’m feeling financially positive – the Dave Ramsey work had been going well; this is the next level, I’m ready! I exit the freeway and pull in behind a truck at the corner of Mcbean and Valencia blvd. I am Oblivious to how many cars are in front of me.

The truck in front of me begins to go, I follow – stimulus response – and then I saw it – the yellow light turn red – and there I was in the middle of the intersection. I speed up trying to clear it, realizing what happened, and then, FLASH, FLASH, FLASH-one more-FLASH goes off. I look around praying that maybe it was for the guy behind me. He was enjoying his morning coffee safe behind the turn lane. It was just me in that huge intersection with my pants down. You can feel it from the other drivers too – a collective, “ohhh…that sucks,” was put out into the space. That’s what I say when I see it happen to others. The flashes were for me. I knew what was coming. A ticket in the mail for about $400!

I was visibly upset. You can see shock on my face in the photo that was sent by the automated traffic light system. I think it’s funny they call this, “The Santa Clarita Red Light Camera Project.” As if it’s an experiment they’re just trying out.

JUST GIVE US THE MONEY.

One thing I’ve learned about L.A. is that everyone wants a cut of the money to be paid. Santa Clarita, the court, the paper-shuffle person who gets an extra $25 just because they have to file my mess up. $2 for the paying with a debit card and a random TicketMaster fee just to prove they own the word “convenience.”

It takes me a few weeks but I eventually pay. It turns out the city of Valencia considers this a serious crime and points will go on my lisense and my insurance will go up (A LOT) unless…(wait for it)…I go to Traffic School.

I dial the number and get talked at by several voices by the ‘Automated Information Labyrinth 9000′ computer mainframe.

I actually get confused shortly after the, “if you speak English press one,” prompt and have to dial again with my paperwork in hand to answer all the questions.

This time I pay all my fees online and I feel my throat close up and my chest get tight. This is my physical reaction when I feel anger, or anxiety.
Also I pay an extra $39 that allows me to receive a list of schools in the mail. I get the list about 5 days later and begin looking at my options close by. A closer look reveals the traffic schools are sponsored by comedy clubs and Pizza Parlors. I bury this sheet in my stack of stuff to do and forget about it for a while. Translation – so I can procrastinate.

As it turns out my friend Lisa who ran the L.A. marathon with me, ALSO got snapped and has to go to Traffic School. It must’ve been, “Aquarians who drive VW’s and Run Go Directly to Traffic School,” day. Fortunately for me, I talk her into both of us attending at the same time. I promise her at the very least, she’ll get a good story out of it, and maybe a photograph.

I call the number for Santa Clarita Traffic School. I think it’s really called, “Easy 123 Comedy & Traffic School” and guy named Mark answers the phone. He talks to me as if he were delivering dead pan Steven Wright jokes. He tells me what to bring and who to ask, for and where to show up.

WHISPERS
“Whispers” is the name of the lounge and meeting room at the Burbank Ramada Inn where my Traffic School is held. You know the album cover for “Hotel California?” This could be a close second if you disregarded an obvious poolside renovation circa 1985. Otherwise it’s perfect for a “Love Boat,” episode, Rod Stewart video or anything 1978. I think it IS the last place in L.A. you can still smoke. Poolside ashtrays are plentiful, and inside décor is replete with brass handrails and mirrors. LOTS of mirrors.

FIRE
As it turns out the fires today prevented Tim the Traffic School instructor from getting to the ‘Whispers’ meeting room.
So Lisa and I talk while I drink a cup of bitter decaf. She’s able to get a couple of pictures of humming birds and we move our chairs every 20 minutes to stay in the shade of the poolside courtyard. The sun is absolutely searing today. I have zero idea what to do with my day now that traffic school has been canceled. She decides to rest up for her marathon tomorrow. The 5 Freeway is shut down so I’m unable to go to work so I head back to Echo Park.

DownBeat Café
There’s a little coffee shop in Echo Park with a Jazz theme. I knew I was in the right place when I saw the 42 DownBeat Magazines hanging on the wall. They play Miles and Trane and Bill Evans along with standards and traditional blues. A new favorite place in other words.
They also make an amazing Americano and so I settled in, read my new book, and wrote this.

The day worked out definitely different than the day I had in mind but it is in keeping with my week, and turned out nice despite the fires and the cancellation of Traffic School. I am, however, ready to get this behind me so I can embark on my next adventure.

Jury Duty.

Now, there’s a tall German woman playing saxophone along with garage band loops. This is my cue to go to El Compadre.

Thanks for Checking in,

Stephen

WHAT I HEAR.
One day last week my colleagues and I were in the lounge checking the DVR for new shows.

That’s when I realized, walls like relationships, are thin and vulnerable.
Above the TV volume, I hear a woman moaning as if having an orgasm in the next office.
I hear some piece of furniture moving across the floor in quarter notes.

Then I hear them talking loudly. I guess they’re unaware of their raised voices because of the ringing in their ears.
What I really hear is that someone has just been burned;
most probably the lady who has the 2 small dogs and drives the white sports car.

I’m 98% sure she’s married to the man making the furniture move across the floor.

Out of curiosity I check the parking lot for the white sports car. She’s gone for the day.

WHAT I’VE READ.
I received a spam email about relationship ‘red flags;’ essentially, about how terrible men are. As someone on a quest to better himself, and his future relationships, I’m interested to read about this topic.
I sift through 3 pages of the 217 responses and then I have to stop.

I read response after response of how hopeful these women were to be in a relationship;

After time the hope turned into broken sadness. I’d say they even seemed surprised about the situation they found themselves in.

THE CUCKHOLD NEVER WRITE THE BOOK.

My friend Stacey Coulter (she has a new last name) asked me one time, “Steve why is it that, in America a woman can write a book about her husband’s affairs and make a lot of money, but the cuckhold never write books? Yet it happens all the time.”

I found this a brilliant question. I’m unsure why. Maybe American culture is built on too much masculine force (instead of fierceness; a big difference) for such a book to be written or taken seriously.

PROP 8:

California has been having a big debate on same sex marriage, and there is a proposition to vote for on Tuesday.

Last Thursday, on my run, both sides of this prop were out in the streets, asking for honks. It reminded me of that great Dr. Suess story, “The Sneetches.” Honk if you’re against same sex marriage - Honk if you’re for same sex marriage.

It all became a barrage of German and Japanese horn noise.

I wondered what musical interval had been built into car horns.

Then I thought, the economy can melt down, CEO’s can have their severance packages, gasoline can be upwards of $4 per gallon. We can also have a 51% divorce rate in America - all topics result in ZERO honking. But Prop 8 gets people out in the streets?

My question is this even the right question to be asking? Or are we just honking a lot because the horn is there? I was glad to be running instead of in my car.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

Last week I turned off the tv and radio news. I only watched work related things and listened to jazz and ambient music; instead of listening to lifestyle, economic, or political analysis of either side. An endless list of duality- Male:Female - Republican:Democrat - Investor:Consumer - on and on came to surface. It is exhausting.

The real question I have is, what happened? What was the cultural shift to make so many people so desperate, so lonely, so trapped by fear?
When did the King and Queen role models of how to get along with one another get traded for the Jester and Princess role models?

This breaks my heart. More than you could possibly know.
So do men have affairs because they’re there for having? Do women cuckhold because the men they’re with lack some forceful masculine trait? Do women mistake perceiving forcefulness for fierceness?

Does real dialog about these things matter or is the ability to make noise better? It’s definitely easier.
My encouragement is that I’m happier and clearer when I stop giving energy to the old dialog and consider something sustainable and new. A reinstatement of the King and Queen archetype.
Then again maybe the old saying is truer than these high ideals; to believe none of what I hear and only half of what I read.

Thanks for checking in.

Vote on Tuesday.
Stephen

Now we’re in Fall,
Early Fall is a great for a few weeks of introspection before the final push into the holidays and then 2009. I found myself updating my myspace player with a few tunes that are more Autumnal.
Brian Eno, Tom Waits and AMC have been a big part of my musical diet for over 15 years. My intention is to acknowledge the reflective power of their music during Autumn; a season about letting go. It’s easy to miss, and people in the Western US get a blunted version of it. This is me sharing with you the nuance I find there.
Usually I keep this kind of thing for closer friends than for public, but I’m attempting to be more open about what I’ve been involved in lately.

Forgiveness:

My practice this year has been an awkward dance with forgiveness. Some days I find it easy, other days I find it difficult. Some days its staring me in the face and I want to do anything except acknowledge it. Robert Bly calls this “Bucket Work”, emptying the swamp bucket by bucket to get to the essence of one’s being. What I know is this; the story is what it is. And with each year becomes more distant with just the reminder of what was sharp and cutting is now dull and tired. Its time to move on. I now feel free to do so.

This freedom is palpable because it is where time, space (is that the same thing?), and forgiveness converge and a larger picture comes into focus for me. This is the point where I can welcome and maintain forgiveness. More than just a flash of light, thankfully. For some reason, I had to see a larger view before taking the next step, or from the dancing analogy; lead. It’s difficult to articulate without being too specific.

All that to say, I was very glad about the news I’d heard, and wish them and their little one the best intentions of kindness and wellness.
I admit my vagueness is self preservation. The last 44 months, have been amazingly strange and full of growth. Growth in ways I’m still very protective of. For now, this is where I am in navigating the path.
Some of my new friends are getting more than their fair share of this but I appreciate their patience on every level. (and please know that I’m aware of your efforts.)
Ironically, I’ve become more a life participant than life observer in recent months. Though participating in events and scenarios is fun and exciting, I miss the quietness of observing.
I miss the downtime and am reminded of Thoreau as he talked about his adventure and “sucking the marrow” of life while living deliberately. That’s what I mean when I refer to living from the inside-out. Intention rooted so deep it’s within the bones.
Music:

I’ve hardly written any new music this year. A few sketches exist on the Oberheim and that’s it. However, I did find one ‘drone improvisation’ on my hard drive. Since it’s one of the only things that was created this year I figured I’d share it.

It’s long and reflective. It’s basically the aural equivalent of being out on a cold night wrapped in a warm blanket. I may try it out (literally) the next time I go to Joshua Tree.

It’s named after two small towns I have affinity for and are opposite in every way imaginable; Laurel, Mississippi and Davis, California.
MX_Laurel Davis

Also, there was this unfinished thing I found from last year, I’ll call it Steve Austin for now because it reminds me of astronauts on a spacewalk. I think its funny for some reason, I find myself laughing at its playfulness and ridiculous simplicity.

MX_Steve Austin

LENA#2:

So there is a replacement car! It’s green. It’s a 97 VW. (I went up a year!)

85,000 miles on it. I’m very happy with it so far.

Lena #2 has door locks and A/C as well as side moldings.

(mmm door locks! no more screwdrivers! One night this Summer I was locked out and opened the door with a baskin robbins spoon. That was a bright moment.)

I know all the F&I guys out there are sad I disregarded their advice but ego aside, I’m just unable to drive a brand new car.

CHINA TOWN:

There’s been a get together in China town on Wednesday nights called MidTones. It’s basically an open jam with a core group of musicians. It’s a great time to play and meet new people with similar interests. There’s five of us in the core group led by Shin who plays guitar and kind of conducts us through gestures. Atsuki plays drums and bass, Wingo plays synthesizers, Evan is on bass and percussion, I play minimoog and jungle drums. Lino and Basil are the Dj’s and Tippy is the bartender.
These guys are a lot of fun to hang and play music with. They’re open to just about everything and let me tryout all sorts of synth weirdness. It’s all improv. from the first downbeat.

Heres a picture of a few of us.

MidTones

From L-R: Keiko, Wingo, Manel, ?, Me, Atsuki, and Shin in Front.

L.A. Tourguide:

Finally, Dan came out for a bit of business and vacation a couple of weeks ago. As tour guide I felt it my duty to present L.A. in a positive light and leave an impression. We packed about 6 months of ‘Seeing and Doing” into one week. I would say the highlight was Lucent Dossier at the Edison hotel. We went with Tim, Memphis, Steph, and a new friend Ant. I think Dan is forever altered after that experience. My sincere apologies to Peg, Dan’s Wife, if he’s been unable to stop talking about it. It takes me at least 3-4 days to get back to my self. Lucent Dossier is indescribable; a mixture of vaudeville, acrobatics, tea, and hand made soap. I enjoy it best when I’m there with these particular people and stay for the duration. I think that’s key.

I know some have been wondering where I’d gone. Some have asked for better details, some have asked for more music. Some have asked for anything other than a running update!

I trust this will suffice for now.

Be well everyone.

With Gratitude,

Stephen

September was spent winding down from the Disney half, a big work project, and some new personal endeavors, like playing out again, and writing more.

Today was my first day back training for L.A. Marathon 2009. Some things (like my time) went better than expected, other things, (like backing down when speaking up would  have been better) left me with a tight throat, and tight chest for the rest of the day.

It has occurred to me that I’ve yet to give a final run through for the Disney Half,

I trained to finish at about 02:33:00 and finished at 02:27:56.

This was a Big jump for me. I’m going to keep at this because I have an overall 3 year goal. Then I might join the circus. (just kidding)

All this also coincided with finishing a huge project at work and meeting some other personal goals, new endeavors and the on-going process of letting go. I sense freedom in that space and practice.
Thanks everyone for your support for the Disney Half. As promised I wore the names of all my sponsors on my running singlet. It was a great time and I topped the weekend off by buying a random souvenir; a red hat that said Lego on it.
Thanks  for checking in,

Stephen