The Hazel Project

The “F&I guy” that motioned me inside was called Rick. He wore an immaculate white shirt with heavy starch, a loose gold bracelet, and gold cuff links. These were the kind of cuff links that might be given as a prize for salesman of the month.

Rick’s office was tiny. REALLY tiny. He could reach across the desk and grab my throat if he wanted, but instead I sat there in a typical “waiting room” chair, My knees hitting his desk.

As he wrote on his papers I thought of Jerry Lundegard and those scenes in Fargo where they would just keep the customer waiting.

I decided to make small talk and asked him about the replica of the new Airbus 380 he had. He said his brother gave it to him. He seemed really uninterested in letting the conversation go that direction. I got the vibe this room was arranged for one thing only - SIGNATURES.

There was a phone and a dot matrix printer to feed triplicate contracts through. He also had a computer screen with some proprietary software. It looked like something generated by DOS. I remembered at GC we called it the ‘Green Screen’.

As an extra offficial touch, he had an adding machine.

Then I noticed this plaque in the corner between his desk and the window. The Plaque said “NO COOL DOWN PERIOD.”

I thought that was curious.

Rick brought my attention abruptly to our business at hand.

He said “Now Stephen the Prius is a special car and has really new technology in it. Sometimes things can go wrong, not often, but sometimes they do. How many miles do you drive a day?”

I told Rick I drove 70 miles a day and planned to drive 20,000 miles the first year. I asked him how many miles were on the car now and he said ‘5′. That meant I was the only person ever IN that car. The first time THAT has ever happened.

Rick continued, “Now that means your factory warranty will end in about 18 months. I highly recommend you purchase the Toyota extended warranty, because if anything happens after that 18 months you could be left with a repair bill up to four thousand dollars.” Of course I ask what kind of thing could go wrong?

“Well, like I said, it’s new technology. The computer could have a problem switching between the batteries and the engine, or you could get hit on the freeway!”

All this was a surprise. It was a Toyota! It was supposed to have the half life of nuclear waste! What is this?

But falling under his control, I’d come this far, so I decided to bite.

“Okay Rick, how much is the extended warranty?”

-Jerry Lundegard and his true coat sales pitch immediately flooded my mind.

Rick looked me straight in the eye and said, “Twenty nine hundred dollars.”

He pauses, flicking his pen back and forth, waiting for my reaction.

All I see in my mind is this:

:$2900 - another $2900 - another $2900:

I’m silent. I look down in thought - my ability to keep up with the numbers is gone.

“That only raises your monthly payment $12 a month.”

I tell him, “Okay, can I think about it and tell you tomorrow since I have to bring the down payment to you anyway?”

“No I have to have a commitment from you now. If you want, I can sell it to you for nineteen hundred cash.”

:”another $1900 - another $1900:”

He said, “Think about it for now. Here, sign this; speaking of down payment. This says you’ll bring it to me tomorrow.”

I sign it.

“This says you’ll call your insurance company and get the car insured.”

I sign it.

“And this says Lucky went over how the Prius works, and the maintencance schedule.”

I sign it.

“And this says you didn’t want any sort of additional options. Like satellite radio.”

It was a small document that looked mean somehow. It was all in red and had the word “REFUSED” written across it.

When I asked about this one, Rick just said that they have to show it to me and offer, but most people just take the car as it is. I thought of how many law suits had to happen before they had this thing printed up.

“Very good, we’re almost done!” He takes my pile of paperwork and puts it in a file and in continued fluid motion produces a long contract and begins feeding it through the dot matrix printer.

I asked Rick how my credit report came out as if I was at the Doctor getting my cholesterol numbers .

He said EXCELLENT! You have excellent credit Stephen.” and he gave a big smile. maybe he was loosening up?

This made me feel really good.

I decide to mull this over while reading the “NO COOL DOWN PERIOD” plaque.

California passed a state law that allows for “NO COOL DOWN PERIOD” for the customer and when the documents were signed there was no recourse for the customer in any way.

I say to Rick, “I thought there was a 30 day satisfaction guarantee.”

Rick, non chalantly replied, “Where’d you get that from? When you sign on the line the car is yours. You cannot take it back or decide you don’t like it tomorrow. Now, Stephen, since you’re taking out such a big loan for a long time we offer gap insurance in case you get into a situation where you want to trade the car in but you still owe on it.”

:”gap - gap - what’s he talking about, this gap?”:

He tells me it’s $900.

This was a surprise too.
I was unable to think at all under the harsh flourescent light. Although, Herb’s business mantra did come to mind. -”The best surprise is no surprise.”

Exasperrated, I tell Rick, “No, I don’t want any of that.”

He chirps back, “Okay Stephen, just inital everywhere I’ve Xed in blue.”

He hands me the contract and I look at the interest that I was going to pay and the price of the car somehow had gone up six thousand dollars by the time the taxes and warranty had been added.

By this time I needed a breath of fresh air and I wanted to go home like everybody else.

I said, “You know what, Rick? This is a big purchase, I need to think about this cool down period for tonight, and I’ll finish signing everything tomorrow when I bring you the down payment. I think I’m going to go.” I stood up and he quipped “Yeah, well there IS no cool down period. It doesn’t exist!”

Rick stood up tapping a pen on his paperwork and told me to tell the “Tall Man” I was leaving.

I left his clautrophobic cell and walked to the main showroom. I found the tall man who was immediately concerned. I explained about my reservations over the cool down period and told him it was the first I’d ever heard about it. He put his hand on my shoulder guiding me away from the door and said, “We have it posted everywhere Stephen.” He pointed to hardly readable, dull copper signs. They were posted everywhere. I just missed them. They looked like the kind of signs for a monument. The Tall Man began walking slowly and said, “I sell more Prius here than Longo in the Inland Empire, you know how many have ever come back, Stephen? Zero. So there’s nothing to even cool down about.”

I said, “I’ll be upside down if it turns out it’s the wrong car for me.”

He just laughed, “What does that mean, upside down? You can trade it in, I’ll be happy to take it back for…”

“A Corolla,” I finished his sentence for him.

There I was again. He had walked me back to Rick’s office who was waiting for me.

I sat down and ‘The Tall Man’ hovered above me. Rick also hovered and said, “Stephen, it’s my job to tell you that when you sign this the car is yours.”

At that moment ‘The Tall Man” used a stern voice and directed Rick, “Just get the contract signed.” Rick starts shuffling paper, and angrily said, “Come on now, I have everything marked for you. Lucky and everyone has stayed open VERY late just for you, and has spent all this time with you. Let’s go.”

He put the contract in my hand and I just sat there looking at it.

I looked at the numbers and what was once happy, made me feel like I was going to vomit. I felt nauseated.

The Tall Man had left, and Rick followed him.
It was just me and that contract and all I could do was stare at it.

All of a sudden it clicked.

I started thinking of what “NO COOL DOWN PERIOD” really meant.

First, it was serious enough for car dealers to come together and pay lawyers to lobby for this law to be passed.

“Cool Down” must mean I wasn’t cool now in Rick’s office. The word ‘cool’ has the connotation of being relaxed and of right mind. ‘Period’ means for a certain amount of time.

Hmmm.

So by law, I was unallowed to be in my right mind for a certain amount of time AFTER I put my intials on that contract. Ironically the initialling will be happening during a period when I’m not in my right mind.

I asked myself if I felt happy.

Then asked myself, if I could think logically about this? Of course not, because I’m not in my right mind! The sign on the wall, promises that the cool down period comes later. Otherwise, why spend money on the sign?

Rick came back into his office as I was standing up. I said, “Rick thanks for your time and your effort and all your information. I ask you now to you respect me as a customer and my wish to leave. Goodbye.

I told Lucky and the last man behind the glass wall goodbye.

And I left.

I used my screwdriver to get back into the VW, and drove home.

…the happiest man alive.

Thanks for checking in.

Stephen A. Thomas

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007 at 2:18 am and is filed under on the path, posts & stories . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.